The Art of Asking: Why It’s So Hard and Why Asking for Help Is Actually a Superpower
Meet Jo*. She’s respected highly at work, the friend who always remembers birthdays, and the one who somehow manages to bake homemade muffins for the school fundraiser—while simultaneously taking a work call and defusing a toddler tantrum. But when it comes to asking for what she needs? Suddenly, Jo is struck with a case of full-body paralysis.
Like last week, when she was drowning in deadlines and just needed her partner to handle dinner. The words were right there—"Can you cook tonight?"—but instead, she bit her tongue, powered through, and ended up her dinner over her laptop at midnight. Sound familiar?
Jo isn’t alone. So many of us struggle to ask for help, even when we desperately need it. But why? What’s actually happening in our brain and body that makes this feel so impossible?
The Neuroscience of Why Asking Feels Like a Threat
Our brains are wired for survival, and deep in the control room sits the amygdala, a tiny but mighty structure responsible for detecting threats. Back in the caveman days, rejection from the tribe meant serious trouble—possibly even death. So when Jo thinks about asking for help, her amygdala lights up like a Christmas tree, yelling, Warning! Risk of rejection ahead!
Cue the stress response—her body floods with cortisol and adrenaline, heart rate spikes, stomach churns. It’s the same physiological reaction as if she were facing a hungry lion, except the “threat” is simply asking her partner to toss some pasta in a pot. Ridiculous? Maybe. But completely normal? Absolutely.
Meanwhile, her prefrontal cortex, the rational part of her brain, is trying to interject: It’s just dinner. He won’t mind. You are not about to be exiled from the tribe. But old habits die hard, and if Jo has spent years avoiding asking to “keep the peace” or “not be a burden,” her body’s default response will win out. Silence it is.
The (Unhelpful) Conditioning That Holds Us Back
Beyond brain chemistry, let’s talk about the unspoken rules we’ve absorbed over time:
Be easygoing! (Translation: Don’t be a problem.)
Handle it yourself! (Translation: Independence = worth.)
Don’t be needy! (Translation: Your needs are inconvenient.)
Put others first! (Translation: Otherwise you’ll be seen as selfish.)
Women, in particular, get this messaging on repeat. We become experts at anticipating everyone else’s needs while downplaying our own. Over time, this becomes our default setting—until one day we wake up exhausted, resentful, and wondering why no one ever helps us or makes space for our needs.
How Resentment Builds (and How It Messes With Your Mind and Body)
Here’s the kicker: When we don’t ask for what we need, our needs don’t magically disappear. They fester. They turn into resentment—toward our partners, friends, coworkers, and even ourselves.
Resentment isn’t just an emotional weight; it’s a physiological stressor. Chronic stress from unspoken needs triggers inflammation, weakens the immune system, and fuels that inner monologue of No one ever helps me. I have to do everything myself. Sound familiar? That’s the brain trying to protect you—but really, it’s just reinforcing a cycle of frustration and self-sacrifice.
How to Start Asking Without Feeling Like You’re Demanding a Kidney
Good news: Like any skill, asking for what you need can be learned and practiced. Here’s how Jo—and you—can start shifting the pattern:
1. Start Small
Instead of launching into a grand speech about emotional labor, begin with low-stakes requests. Ask a barista for an extra napkin. Tell a friend you’d rather meet for coffee than drinks. These tiny acts retrain your brain to see asking as safe.
2. Calm Your Nervous System First
If your body interprets asking as a life-or-death situation, you need to dial down the stress. Try deep breathing, shaking out your limbs, or humming (yes, humming—thank your vagus nerve for this one). A calmer body = clearer thinking.
3. Flip the Script: Asking = Connection
We assume asking is annoying, but think about it: Don’t you like helping people you care about? Most of the time, others feel the same way. Instead of seeing it as a burden, see it as an invitation for connection.
Also, consider this: When you allow loved ones to help and care for you, you’re giving them the opportunity to show their love through action. It’s their way of saying, I see you. You matter to me. When we block people from helping, we’re actually denying them the chance to express love in one of the most tangible ways possible. It gives people something to do. Often our loved ones want to help when they see you stressed, but they don’t know what would benefit you. It will actually give them some relief and feel more useful and connected to you.
4. Use the “Because” Formula
Studies show people are more likely to say yes when given a reason. Try: “I need [X] because [Y].”
“Can you grab milk on the way home because I won’t have time?”
“I need a quiet hour because I’m on deadline.”
“I need a hug because today was complete chaos.”
5. Expect It to Feel Awkward—That’s a Good Sign
Breaking old habits always feels weird at first. You’re rewriting years (maybe decades) of conditioning. The discomfort means you’re doing something different—and different is where change happens.
6. Practice Handling ‘No’ Like a Pro
One reason we avoid asking is the fear of rejection. But a “no” isn’t a personal attack—it’s just information. It doesn’t mean you were wrong to ask or that you’re unworthy. If someone can’t meet your need, you can explore alternatives. Resilience comes from realising that a “no” won’t break you.
Final Thoughts: Give Yourself Permission
Asking for what you need isn’t selfish—it’s essential. Your needs matter. Your well-being matters. The people who truly care about you want to know what you need so they can show up for you.
So, what’s one small thing you can ask for today? Channel your inner Jo, take a deep breath, and give it a go. You might be surprised at how easily the world says, Yes, of course!